Father's Day

Or Mileage May Vary

Father’s Day is upcoming. I write this article from the perspective of a man who sought a solid relationship with my own father for many years. That which I did achieve came later in his own life, and earlier in mine. Then it ended when he died suddenly.

I recognize Father’s Day may be uninteresting to some and difficult for others. I know people who have life-long, healthy relationships with their fathers and others who do not know who their father is due to being shunned, walked out on, or disowned. These kinds of situations are ruinous for children and create lifelong wounds made even worse if they are of the moral kind which stem from abuse.

For good or for ill, a father is the first leader a child has and that relationship is built from trust in the bond between parent and child, and the child trusts implicitly their father knows best until its proven he may not. As a father of three now-grown children, I can say that facadé is hard to maintain and painful for both parties when it cracks.

Still, we fathers do our best, or I like to think that we do. No one goes into something thinking of the best ways to mess it up and, unfortunately with fatherhood, there is no manual. People provide plenty of advice, however, and much of it is shit.

This week I don’t offer any personal advice, but do share some of my favorite quotes regarding fathers, along with some personal commentary. I trust people reading my work enjoy them in the spirt intended.

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

― Mark Twain

I can relate to Mr. Twain. Teenage angst doesn’t help in trying to relate to your father, even as you ask him for the car keys and a few extra bucks. And I learned a lot from my dad, even if I wasn’t seeking a lesson.

“No one knows the truth worth of a man but his family. The dreary man drowsing, drop-jawed, in the commuter train, the office bore, the taciturn associate—may be the pivot of a family’s life, welcomed with hugs, told the day’s news, asked for advice. No longer Mr. B, but dad. No longer a nonentity but a man possessed of skills and wisdom; courageous and capable, patient and kind. Respected and loved.”

—Pam Brown

Reflecting on this quote over the years, I realized how little I knew about the fathers around me, many of them my peers. It was too easy to judge them on their public personas without giving respect to what they protected in their personal lives. To see a man with his children is a glimpse into their private world. I try to treat that with respect.

“A dad is a man haunted by death, fears, anxieties. But who seems to his children the haven from all harm. And who makes the certain that whatever happens—it will all come right.”

—Clara Ortega

To my point of the father’s facadé, it is a fragile one, a mask of leadership that must be maintained. I’ve felt this pressure, too, and saw it in my own father’s misgivings.

“The chances are that you will never be elected president of the country, write the great American novel, make a million dollars, stop pollution, end racial conflict, or save the world. However valid it may be to work at any of these goals, there is another one of higher priority—to be an effective parent.”

—Landrum K. Bolling

We all wish for an enduring legacy. I believe this is passed through a father to their children, all while chasing their own, elusive dreams.

“Fatherhood, for me, has been less a job than an unstable and surprising combination of adventure, blindman’s bluff, guerrilla warfare, and crossword puzzle.”

—Frederic F. Van De Water

I did all my best parenting before I had children.

Happy Father’s Day.

Found at Starecat.com. I can relate.

Please consider becoming a paid subscriber. It’s $2 a week—less than a beer when you go out and perhaps as satisfying without the caloric deficit—and $80 annually. It really helps me as a writer, and you’ll receive access to exclusive content including advanced project previews and releases. Thanks!