On Acting

Or Back to My Roots?

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be an actor. I loved stage plays and portrayals. I immersed myself in scripts and prose and spent a lot of time as a Shakespeare enthusiast, having seen Kelly McGillis, Lisa Bonet, and Sir Patric Stewart live in various stage productions. At one point I wanted to pursue this as a career. Life got in the way and I didn’t do much with it save striving for a Theatre Minor in college, falling short by several credits.

I served in the United States Marine Corps for most of my adult life and put my theatrical dreams on hold. Then I retired and decided to live my life in reverse. Maybe I’m a Temu Benjamin Button.

For the past two years, however, I’ve been in three movies as an extra and two with speaking roles. Two of them will premiere next year and I have a few writing and consulting credits to add to my small IMDB profile. You’ve got to start somewhere, I suppose.

Last week, I was cast as Ambrose Bierce in the eponymous author’s short-story, Killed At Resaca. Filmed in and around Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, I play an older Bierce reflecting on his experience in the American Civil War as he pens a tale for his employer, the publishing magnate William Randolph Hearst. This was no small task and I was elated when I received the call for the part since I’d spent a great deal of time studying Bierce and he is a key influence on my own writing, to include my masterpiece novel, Once We Pledged Forever.

Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce, 1842-1914. PC: libquotes.com

Not a bad imitation. PC: Jacob Bates

Additionally, I assisted with writing some of the scenes for the script and consulted with the director, Jacob Bates, to ensure the tenor and pacing of the film was correct throughout because Bates did a masterful job of toggling between the past and the future-present. I’m happy to have been a small part of it.

Bierce was an interesting character, one who I felt drawn to play. More arrogance from me, but it’s true. He was a combat veteran, disillusioned with his military service, acerbic, pragmatic, angry, and forthright. I admire him in ways I’m still discovering, even if I don’t want to be like him, exactly. I find, however, my own experience and background lend to an accurate portrayal of a haunted veteran attempting to reconcile his past. God, it feels freeing!

It’d been a while since I put on an actor’s façade, became someone else, and memorized lines. I used to relish it in high school and in college. In fact, when I was going to take the stage I’d combat an adrenal dump to ensure my focus. This included sweating, shaking hands, and a feeling of overwhelming electricity. Not unlike being in love.

I haven’t ever suffered from stage fright, but I haven’t done much film work, so I approached the project from the perspective of the camera not being there and just being myself, in the moment, for what I could be. I needed to harness that voltage and turn it into something positive.

As I don my costume, reviewing my lines (and I don’t have many) and the environment in which we’ll immerse ourselves, I control my breathing and calm my nerves. In my military career, I’ve done this before a free-fall jump or a night raid. The stakes aren’t as high in this situation, certainly, but the energy coursing through my veins is familiar, comforting, even. I feel alive!

A serenity settles over me as I enter the set. I’m home. I’m where I am meant to be. I embrace the tension and ignore the disorganized camera crew or lights not working as desired. I’m present as Ambrose Bierce. I’ve become him and wish only my interpretation translates onto the screen in a clean, authentic portrayal. Not Ivan as, but Ivan IS, Ambrose Bierce. To disappear into the role.

The set. PC: Jacob Bates

Then we get to work. Truthfully, I love it. I love the action. I love the adrenaline. I love the takes and getting it right. I want to do well and be perceived as same. Who doesn’t want to be known for doing something well, of being good at something—so good that your name is associated with the production? That’s what I seek as an actor and writer.

There.

My ego is in the open.

I don’t care about negative reviews of my writing or what I do, but I do care what people think. I do want people to like it. What a dichotomy. Again, my vulnerability.

I spent most of the morning in a professional recording studio reading voiceovers for the film, ones that will lend gravitas and drama to an already excellent production. Now I’m Bierce himself, reflecting on his past, wondering what it was all for, attempting to explain it to a layman, and frustrated the words will not appropriately capture the moments. I’ve been there, Mr. Bierce, and I raise my glass to you

The recording booth was…cozy. PC: Jacob Bates

.If art imitates life, I’m amazed I’m a part of this. I find I dig into my psyche for certain parts of this role, reliving vignettes only known to me, uncovering long-dormant emotions in the interest of conveyance. I’m not sure Jacob can understand so I don’t explain them to him, but he’s happy with the outcome, more-so than he expected, I believe. He’s ebullient, even.

Me with the Director, Jacob Bates. Full article can be found here. PC: Darryl Wheeler/Gettysburg Times.

I maintain it is up to veterans to bridge the civil-military divide between those who have served and the majority population who haven’t. This isn’t a castigation, but a truth, one I attempt to address head-on in my writing, music, and now, acting. I want to take people on a journey and let them decide on how they feel. No spoon-feeding or preaching. Give the audience credit to interpret what they are seeing and they’ll thank you one hundred fold. Something like that, paraphrasing David Mamet.

That’s how I approached this role. I viewed it as a valuable opportunity, one I couldn’t pass up nor muddle—I had only once chance to get it right. Again, not unlike missions in my military career. I never thought my own combat experiences would translate in such a way, and definitely not when I was traipsing about the stage at a small state school in Southern Maryland in the latter part of the 20th Century.

In character and in the zone! PC: Jacob Bates

A few hours later we finish our scenes. Some of them are ad-libbed and energetic. I’m yet more excited by the prospect these lend to a more complete production. If there’s value in being part of the process, then I’ve achieved more than I envisioned going into this, never mind my technical expertise applied to various other scenes to include some of the combat scenarios.

Upon completion, I feel a sense of relief, and also one of supreme pride and joy, having taken my own journey back to my roots of sorts. If the arts can heal, then some of my own struggles with Post-Traumatic Stress have been alleviated through this process of sharing and expression.

Would that others are so fortunate.

The films will premiere in 2027. You can follow their progress at The Red Badge of Courage and Killed at Resaca, respectively.

Thanks for sticking with me.

My books are available through Amazon and are listed on Fleur Hull’s the Substack Bookstore.

You’ll love my full-length novel! It’s the real story of being in the military.

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